My biggest issue.......CRYING!!! Lord I would cry about everything! How do you function when you literally cry while driving to work and have to sit on the parking lot to get it together? I just couldn't figure it out. Was it because I felt like a loner in school? Maybe because I didn't marry my first love but had two children with him. Could my inability to finish college cause me to be so depressed I'd cry about it? Or my second oldest daughter having to suffer at the hands of a child molester.
I don't want to go into too much detail regarding my marriages. I feel
like a failure because they didn't last. I know there are things that I
could have (and should have) done differently. I have to take
responsibility for my actions and lack of duties as a wife. I am not
dispelling what my two ex husbands did or did not do. I just know I've
learned a lot during this time and have a better understanding of what a
wife's role is in a marriage. It also helps to have such a supportive
husband who is so unselfish and gives his all to the relationship. I
have prayed and ask God to forgive me for what I've done wrong in these
relationships. I've also asked God to give me wisdom and
understanding. I still have an attitude problem (I know right!). I
have a sharp tongue and so quick to slam you down. I have been in so
many situations where I've had to stand up for myself and my 4 children I
raised on my own. It can cause you to be so defensive and resentful at
the same time. That is one of the reasons why you shouldn't have an
incomplete family. Not to say it can't happen in a marriage but there
is so much drama, confusion, resentment, power struggle in relationships
that form from stepfamilies that you're almost doomed before it even
starts.
I can't say I wanted to have two divorces in my life. I hear
people say that according to the bible you are suppose to stay married.
My first marriage, my children where in danger and the second one, the
ex-husband was in danger because I was going to hurt him from having so
many affairs! What was I suppose to do. I guess this conversation must
continue with God.......... You know moving to a whole new town suddenly can cause grief and confusion about the future. Feeling like I am constantly being judged and having to keep my composure can cause a lot of stress on a person. My biggest thing was the health issues I've faced in my life! That is stress!
Speaking of health, have I mentioned I've had a total of 7 (or what it 8) surgeries so far? One of my frat brother's has a son who just completed surgery number 40 and I am complaining. Is it okay to wonder and question God about what His plan for you? Can I honestly ask God when will this misery, pain and suffering I am feeling going to end? Some will say, "How dare you question the Lord!" But I say why can't I ask God about my feelings, insecurities and struggles? How can I begin to face them and get the help I need if I don't ask God for direction. Maybe I am putting it into the wrong context. I feel like God and I have that special relationship where He knows that I am not questioning His ability to do all things but He is OKAY with me asking questions. Children do that to their parents all of the time and I am a child of God; He is my Father and I wanna know.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
My Introduction - Part 1
Hello, my name is Regina and I am weird! Okay, well some may think there is nothing wrong with me but I know better. It is not that there is something really wrong. It is all about perception and what is or isn't known about a person. I am having a moment in my life that has compelled me to take a real serious look at who I am and where am I going.
I guess you are wondering what I am talking about. Well.....let's just say I am getting a life's lesson and do not know if I like where it is going but, I had to stop running and start facing the fight with my mind, body and soul.
It all started on January 25, 1966, the day I was born. My mother said something was wrong with me at birth but because back in those days if you were a teen mom (she was 17 when I was born), you didn't question authority, elders or your mother. My grandmother was a strong woman who worked as an LPN. She handled the care required for my mom and I. Eventually, my mom was able to see me about a week after I was born.
Growing up, I felt strange. It seemed sometimes I didn't belong and hated being around others. Wait....hate is such a harsh description. I disliked the company of others. Enduring this was the key to fitting in, not being teased and appearing to be "normal" like my peers, siblings, other family and friends. I did not like talking to others. I know......I seemed to be so outgoing, smart, funny and the life of the party. But on the inside I wanted to curl up in a corner to be left alone. I would rather read a million books than have to sit in a classroom and talk when asked to. And that classroom was so disruptive to me!!! I would hum to myself to try and drown out the noises of the other students. I needed certain things to keep me focused and having to sit everyday and listen to others make certain sounds was driving me nuts!
There were other things going on that I did not understand. Growing up as the oldest, I was expected to be an example and lead. I took that role seriously because I became the go to person for everything. I was a resource of information for whatever you needed. Friends and family would call me all of the time to help with a problem or issue. Sometimes it would be for someone they knew. Somehow it became more important to help others rather than myself.....and I would pay for that later.
I was pregnant and had a baby at the age of 17. Now I am a new mom and it is definitely not about me anymore. Between trying to work, go to school and having three more children, I was officially neglecting my own health. I figured time would allow me to catch up. The problem was nobody told me my body would not get "the memo". After two failed marriages, my bad temper, quirkiness, crying spells, serious health problems, prescription of about 13 medications, inability to eat certain things without becoming very sick, anger issues, social issues, unusual habits, inability to keep things organized at home and work, I knew something was seriously wrong with me. I would cry so much because of how I felt. It was hard trying to fit in with everyone and appear normal. At what point do you say enough and cry out for help!
End of Part 1
I guess you are wondering what I am talking about. Well.....let's just say I am getting a life's lesson and do not know if I like where it is going but, I had to stop running and start facing the fight with my mind, body and soul.
It all started on January 25, 1966, the day I was born. My mother said something was wrong with me at birth but because back in those days if you were a teen mom (she was 17 when I was born), you didn't question authority, elders or your mother. My grandmother was a strong woman who worked as an LPN. She handled the care required for my mom and I. Eventually, my mom was able to see me about a week after I was born.
Growing up, I felt strange. It seemed sometimes I didn't belong and hated being around others. Wait....hate is such a harsh description. I disliked the company of others. Enduring this was the key to fitting in, not being teased and appearing to be "normal" like my peers, siblings, other family and friends. I did not like talking to others. I know......I seemed to be so outgoing, smart, funny and the life of the party. But on the inside I wanted to curl up in a corner to be left alone. I would rather read a million books than have to sit in a classroom and talk when asked to. And that classroom was so disruptive to me!!! I would hum to myself to try and drown out the noises of the other students. I needed certain things to keep me focused and having to sit everyday and listen to others make certain sounds was driving me nuts!
There were other things going on that I did not understand. Growing up as the oldest, I was expected to be an example and lead. I took that role seriously because I became the go to person for everything. I was a resource of information for whatever you needed. Friends and family would call me all of the time to help with a problem or issue. Sometimes it would be for someone they knew. Somehow it became more important to help others rather than myself.....and I would pay for that later.
I was pregnant and had a baby at the age of 17. Now I am a new mom and it is definitely not about me anymore. Between trying to work, go to school and having three more children, I was officially neglecting my own health. I figured time would allow me to catch up. The problem was nobody told me my body would not get "the memo". After two failed marriages, my bad temper, quirkiness, crying spells, serious health problems, prescription of about 13 medications, inability to eat certain things without becoming very sick, anger issues, social issues, unusual habits, inability to keep things organized at home and work, I knew something was seriously wrong with me. I would cry so much because of how I felt. It was hard trying to fit in with everyone and appear normal. At what point do you say enough and cry out for help!
End of Part 1
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