I guess you are wondering what I am talking about. Well.....let's just say I am getting a life's lesson and do not know if I like where it is going but, I had to stop running and start facing the fight with my mind, body and soul.
It all started on January 25, 1966, the day I was born. My mother said something was wrong with me at birth but because back in those days if you were a teen mom (she was 17 when I was born), you didn't question authority, elders or your mother. My grandmother was a strong woman who worked as an LPN. She handled the care required for my mom and I. Eventually, my mom was able to see me about a week after I was born.
Growing up, I felt strange. It seemed sometimes I didn't belong and hated being around others. Wait....hate is such a harsh description. I disliked the company of others. Enduring this was the key to fitting in, not being teased and appearing to be "normal" like my peers, siblings, other family and friends. I did not like talking to others. I know......I seemed to be so outgoing, smart, funny and the life of the party. But on the inside I wanted to curl up in a corner to be left alone. I would rather read a million books than have to sit in a classroom and talk when asked to. And that classroom was so disruptive to me!!! I would hum to myself to try and drown out the noises of the other students. I needed certain things to keep me focused and having to sit everyday and listen to others make certain sounds was driving me nuts!
There were other things going on that I did not understand. Growing up as the oldest, I was expected to be an example and lead. I took that role seriously because I became the go to person for everything. I was a resource of information for whatever you needed. Friends and family would call me all of the time to help with a problem or issue. Sometimes it would be for someone they knew. Somehow it became more important to help others rather than myself.....and I would pay for that later.
I was pregnant and had a baby at the age of 17. Now I am a new mom and it is definitely not about me anymore. Between trying to work, go to school and having three more children, I was officially neglecting my own health. I figured time would allow me to catch up. The problem was nobody told me my body would not get "the memo". After two failed marriages, my bad temper, quirkiness, crying spells, serious health problems, prescription of about 13 medications, inability to eat certain things without becoming very sick, anger issues, social issues, unusual habits, inability to keep things organized at home and work, I knew something was seriously wrong with me. I would cry so much because of how I felt. It was hard trying to fit in with everyone and appear normal. At what point do you say enough and cry out for help!
End of Part 1
Just so you know you have just described me also, to some distinct. You are no were near weird just complex. You have always made me feel needed and loved, even when I crashed Racquael's birthday party and paid for it by Kellen falling through that glass table. I love you because you took pity on me when it was discovered I was allergic to morphine. Pushing what you feel down until it erupts is something that STRONG BLACK women do.You have accomplished so much and you make me proud to call you sister. I have not as of this moment met anyone like you. That goes to prove you are UNIQUE! Please continue to blog and I will comment every opportunity given. I love you lil' sis.
ReplyDeleteThank you Vanessa!!!!! I will never, ever forget the morphine night! Those nurses almost cussed us out but we were having so much fun!!!!! LOL!
DeleteI was never this way about people...I NEEDED the company of others to make sure I felt loved. It was an insecurity of mine to "be alone"....My mother never held me or cuddled with me. Then she pawned me off on anyone who would take me. At 6 yrs old she gave all of us up because my stepfather said it was us or him, so off we went to my stepmother and Dad's. A decade of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual abuse later, I was even more insecure about being loved. Three failed marriages (and one child later), I still felt the need to be around others to bring that insecurity under reign. I'm 50 now. I suffer from depression, chronic pain and over eating to compensate for the feeling or never being "enough" or really truly loved. I spend WAY too much time alone now. But I can't help it. Being around others I find very TAXING emotionally and mentally....God and I will definitely have a whole lot to talk about when I get up there to him.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how people are so different yet the same. However, you pointed out some very important things. It was THEM not YOU that did wrong. But their actions had a profound effect on you that is a struggle, perhaps today. The good thing is you recognize that and being sending this post, have acknowledged it. I know for me, being alone is a time for peace in my own little world. As I continue this blog, I pray that others will share some of their disparities and work towards healing. We need that inner peace to live and be happy. I am learning that I am just as important. May God Bless You!
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