My biggest issue.......CRYING!!! Lord I would cry about everything! How do you function when you literally cry while driving to work and have to sit on the parking lot to get it together? I just couldn't figure it out. Was it because I felt like a loner in school? Maybe because I didn't marry my first love but had two children with him. Could my inability to finish college cause me to be so depressed I'd cry about it? Or my second oldest daughter having to suffer at the hands of a child molester.
I don't want to go into too much detail regarding my marriages. I feel
like a failure because they didn't last. I know there are things that I
could have (and should have) done differently. I have to take
responsibility for my actions and lack of duties as a wife. I am not
dispelling what my two ex husbands did or did not do. I just know I've
learned a lot during this time and have a better understanding of what a
wife's role is in a marriage. It also helps to have such a supportive
husband who is so unselfish and gives his all to the relationship. I
have prayed and ask God to forgive me for what I've done wrong in these
relationships. I've also asked God to give me wisdom and
understanding. I still have an attitude problem (I know right!). I
have a sharp tongue and so quick to slam you down. I have been in so
many situations where I've had to stand up for myself and my 4 children I
raised on my own. It can cause you to be so defensive and resentful at
the same time. That is one of the reasons why you shouldn't have an
incomplete family. Not to say it can't happen in a marriage but there
is so much drama, confusion, resentment, power struggle in relationships
that form from stepfamilies that you're almost doomed before it even
starts.
I can't say I wanted to have two divorces in my life. I hear
people say that according to the bible you are suppose to stay married.
My first marriage, my children where in danger and the second one, the
ex-husband was in danger because I was going to hurt him from having so
many affairs! What was I suppose to do. I guess this conversation must
continue with God.......... You know moving to a whole new town suddenly can cause grief and confusion about the future. Feeling like I am constantly being judged and having to keep my composure can cause a lot of stress on a person. My biggest thing was the health issues I've faced in my life! That is stress!
Speaking of health, have I mentioned I've had a total of 7 (or what it 8) surgeries so far? One of my frat brother's has a son who just completed surgery number 40 and I am complaining. Is it okay to wonder and question God about what His plan for you? Can I honestly ask God when will this misery, pain and suffering I am feeling going to end? Some will say, "How dare you question the Lord!" But I say why can't I ask God about my feelings, insecurities and struggles? How can I begin to face them and get the help I need if I don't ask God for direction. Maybe I am putting it into the wrong context. I feel like God and I have that special relationship where He knows that I am not questioning His ability to do all things but He is OKAY with me asking questions. Children do that to their parents all of the time and I am a child of God; He is my Father and I wanna know.
First, and foremost crying is cleansing. If you don't cry, scream, write or a multitude of things to release it gets worse. So you are on track believe it or not. And secondly, as far as you marriages go, you have enough wisdom to know that killing someone is not an option. So, in my eyes and heart you did what you had to do and I thank GOD you did. Raising four kids can be a bit stressful, but at least they are on a road of knowing the best path. You reared them yourself and that's great guidance. Last thing, as far as your health is concern I'm not a doctor so do what you feel is best for you. But please know this, whatever medicines you are taking they become your life force eventually. Love you lil' sister and I will be in town come spring of '15.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there's more to my crying. It's a process. I'm working to write about and build this up. Cant wait to see you.
ReplyDeleteI have the same "issues" with people telling me I can't question God or the direction I need to go in. I've had THREE failed marriages if it makes you FEEL any better....I wouldn't wish a divorce on ANYONE for anything, but sometimes you have taught all the lessons God wanted you teach in that relationship and LEARNED all of the lessons you were supposed to be taught....Just another "look" at it....
ReplyDeleteYES! Divorce is hard enough and when people say you can't do that "No matter what the issue is" I tell them whatever! I know God didn't intend for me to suffer a the hands or ignorance. And again, I was not the perfect wife but I was not going to tolerate a child molester or continuous infidelity. I never thought I would be on my 3rd marriage but apparently there is a lesson in all of this. God has now blessed me with a wonderful husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Granted we still have our issues. But our support and love for God and each other has truly kept this marriage strong. Thank you for your post.
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